ADHD and masking: what it actually costs
For anyone diagnosed later in life, and still working out what it changes.
Someone on a training course once told me that I’d never be taken seriously if I continued to move my hands like that when I talk. For the rest of the course, I grudgingly sat on them or kept them as still as I could.
I've thought a lot about that comment in the years since being diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve reflected on what was actually being asked of me. It wasn't that I should communicate more clearly - I don’t think anyone was struggling to follow me because I talk with my hands. What was being asked was that I ‘tone it down’, so that the people watching would feel more comfortable.
Masking, or taking up less space in order to fit in or be 'taken seriously', is more about others' comfort than the needs of the person wearing the mask.
The 'Authentic Self': What Is It, and Does It Help to Search for the 'Real Me'?
For anyone exhausted from searching for the 'real me' – or wondering who they are beneath the mask.
The modern demand to 'be yourself'
We live in a culture saturated with the demand to be ‘authentic’.
We see it on social media slogans, corporate leadership seminars, and wellness wall art, all urging us to strip away our filters, ‘live our truth’, and reveal our ‘real’ self. It might be presented as some kind of moral virtue - if you are not showing up unfiltered in every room, you are being inauthentic.
For values-driven people, late-diagnosed neurodivergents, and anyone experiencing the strain of high-responsibility caring or community work, this advice is unlikely to feel liberating.
Many of my coaching clients arrive feeling like imposters. They tell me they have spent decades masking ADHD or Autistic traits, adapting to rigid workplaces, or people-pleasing to maintain relationships, to the point where they question who they really are now. They wonder whether their tendency to adapt their tone, body language, and energy depending on who they are with is a problem. The search for an elusive, permanent ‘authentic self’ can become another standard to fail.
In Praise of Discomfort -Unlearning White Politeness, Masking and Conflict Avoidance
For anyone exhausted by people-pleasing, masking, or keeping the peace at their own expense.
When the mask begins to slip
In the years since being diagnosed with ADHD in adulthood, I have spent a lot of time thinking about masking: the conscious or unconscious effort to suppress natural instincts and modify behaviour to appear socially acceptable.
At a certain point, particularly for those diagnosed later in life, the mask begins to slip. Sometimes we make a deliberate decision to take it off; more often, our nervous systems simply run out of the energetic fuel required to keep it in place.
It is revealing to notice how that unmasking is received. In some spaces, people are accustomed to neurodivergent communication styles, unusual movements, and direct requests for adjustments.